2nd Verse, not quite the same as the 1st
If there is an issue that has plagued me over the years, it has been my weight. I’m quite sure I’m not in the minority here. A lot of times, gay men treat ourselves as badly as women do in regards to our body images. American women are often held to the Barie mold while gay men hold ourselves hostage to the Adonis or Ken doll model (not really cool when you realize Ken doesn’t have a penis…just sayin). Anyway, you know the story…I’m not good enough or pretty enough or buff enough or thin enough or what the hell ever enough because I can’t airbrush my ass into some kind of perfection.
It was Zen practice that broke my slavery to these types of models and stories I held myself up to. It’s incredibly freeing to throw down measuring sticks that were never mine in the first place. My relationship to my body image and my weight was no longer a war to be waged and it gave me the freedom to take appropriate action. One of the definitions given by a Zen master of the distant past was that Zen is the ability to respond appropriately. You know from past posts that my response to my weight was to start counting calories and dance Zumba three times a week. More recently I chose to become a Zumba instructor.
All this activity and work on myself has left me in a weird gray area in relation to my clothes. I’m between sizes. My regular stuff is too loose but the next size down is just a smidge too tight. So responding appropriately, I chose to start counting calories again today until I shrink another ten pounds and see if I can get into those size 32 pants.
The difference in working with myself as opposed to battling myself is tremendous. What I can get done and the energy I have to get it done is like nothing I’ve experienced before in my life. There is a quote out of the book I just reviewed, The Buddha Walks Into A Bar, that totally hits this issue on the head and I want to quote it here.
One way to tell if discipline is connected to virtue is to consider whether it bears a feeling of gentleness. If it feels like you are being hard on yourself, this is likely a form of discipline that is rooted in aggression. Such a neurotic strictness is based in confusion.
It’s so nice to not be flogging myself anymore.
and by the way, i’ve been posting a lot. what the hell?
So What Happened Was…
It’s been a while since my last post but I’ve not been idle by any means. Back in August I was feeling the need for a change in my health. I had tried running earlier in the year but despite my success with it in my early 30’s, my knees were still not willing to participate for very long and there wasn’t much of a shift in my weight either. At 205 pounds on a 5’8” frame, I was not feeling so great.
This causes anxiety for me not because I’m a single gay man and we all have to look like Adonis to be acceptable but because I’m an only child with aging parents and I know first hand from taking care of grandparents that when I enter my time as caretaker, I’m going to need my health to be good and my body strong.
So in the last four and a half months, I’ve been doing Zumba three times a week and counting calories through My Fitness Pal. As of this morning, I hit my initial goal of 30 pounds released unto the universe. I learned from an old friend years ago to never say you “lost” the weight because that means you can always find it again. Oh, I also had my annual blood work done and my numbers are all really good. After watching the documentary called Forks Over Knives, I also made a diet change and I’m eating about 97% vegan now. I recommend watching that film if you have the chance (I rented it thru iTunes).
Zumba dance has become my zazen of late. I need to get back on the cushion, but as you know, sometimes the Dharma is wiggly…and booty poppin. Though, I have to say, I ain’t got much of a booty right now. I’m down to size 34 pants and as soon as I’m able to get into a store that isn’t packed with last minute Xmas shoppers, I want to try on a pair of 32’s just to see if there’s a snowball’s chance I might fit into those.
I also realized in the process of releasing this weight that it’s also a marker for getting my life back. Almost 10 years ago I chose to walk a path with my ex partner that ultimately contained many painful life lessons. I have repaired or transformed most of what was damaged from that relationship, but the last piece was my body. I am now back to the weight I was when I took that path 10 years ago.
Now, more than ever in the past 10 years, I’m asking myself again what I want to be when I grow up. If you have any ideas, let me know.
Related articles
- Today My Dharma is Wiggly (zenfant.wordpress.com)
I am of the nature to get old
A young Siddhartha realized that we quite naturally as human beings and organic entities, get old and decay over time. We get sick, we slow down, we start to make creaking noises and grunt more when we get in and out of chairs. I’ve noticed it more and more in myself. This, that and the other thing hurt, ache, are stiff, don’t move like they used to, etc.
Nine weeks ago I started a running program to try and slim down some before my Vegas trip in May. Tomorrow is the last day of the program and I can now run for 32 minutes without stopping. Mind you, it’s not without mental bitching and moaning, but I’m getting better at getting it done with less mind fucking.
But I’m noticing that it’s harder at 42 to lose weight than it was when I had a regular running routine at age 27. I was chubby then too and wanted to slim down but my metabolism was so high that as long as I kept my running regular, I could eat anything I wanted. After a few years of that, my knees began to ache so I stopped running. Later in my 30′s I lost weight just by dieting. In my 40′s, however, it’s taking a combination of both. I’ve never had this much difficulty loosing weight.
So it’s nine weeks later and my clothes are fitting looser…tho I found out in the fitting room of a department store yesterday that they are not loose enough for me to get into the next size down in pants. I said a few cuss words over that. But as I was telling a friend about it, I’m now more determined to keep going. I’m not buying into any of my mental stories of being a fat fucking failure…years ago I might have, but I’ve had too much life experience, too much Zen, and too much being the fat kid to give in anymore.
So tomorrow at 6am, as usual, I’ll run my last day of the Couch to 5k program and keep on running. I committed to running a real 5k in October, so once the dangling carrot of Vegas is gone, I’ll have another one in front of me to help stay on the running path.
I was going to do my next installment of Realizing Genjokoan today, but I’ve had too many irons in the fire with family stuff this weekend to have the time to devote to it. I’ll get around to it at some point.
