Queer and Broken Hearted
OH lordy lordy this post was painful to write, so it’s a bit TLDR, but I hope you make it to the bottom. I promise you that as the news stories tumbled out last week that I was NOT initially fair and balanced. I felt much like Cowboy Kyle, wanting to engage in some serious ass kickery. Anyway…here ya go…
I have been broken hearted of late with the rash of noted suicides by young people who were being bullied or somehow ostracized for being gay. I say “noted suicides” because these are some that just happened to hit the news. Please understand that there are many more who don’t.
I am no different from those people. I was bullied and picked on for being gay and for being overweight. My coping mechanism was to be a wallflower at best and invisible at worst so I was easy to pick on. Two popular nicknames for me at various times were “that curly headed faggot” and “hippo”.
I knew what hippo meant but honestly I didn’t really know what a gay or a faggot really was. They were words hurled with venom and I knew from the tone they were meant to be really bad. But could I tell you what a homo was? No, not really. I only figured that out as I got older and puberty kicked in…oh yeah, I knew what a homo was then, and baby, I was one. I liked boys!
So I was pretty stuck. I was being verbally, emotionally, and sometimes physically abused but I wasn’t sure exactly why, so it was kinda hard to tell my family or find support. All I could really tell you for sure is that I wasn’t like other people. Hell, honey, I’m STILL not like other people. The difference is that now I really like that about me.
What once felt like my greatest weakness became my greatest strength and the thing I’m happiest with. Who’d a thunk it? Somehow I made it thru without hurting myself or anyone else. So it breaks my heart to the point of almost not being able to speak when I hear of those who didn’t survive. I don’t want to say anything to their survivors, I want to scoop up those survivors and hold them all tight until it stops hurting. I wish I could have scooped up the lost ones and hold them all tight until they no longer want to hurt themselves for being different. That’s what I really want to do, not to throw more words at them.
Now, I told ya that to tell ya this…surely you knew it ain’t all rainbows and bunnies and shit, right?
Yes, I laid awake nights with visions of violent retribution on my bullies. I wanted to hurt them worse than they hurt me. Punch them, kick them, stab them, maim them…it was all fair game in my head. I also thought of just killing myself. That sometimes seemed the easiest way of all to stop the cycle. Just exit the game. So I totally understand those of my tribe who have chosen to step off the ride and go on to the next one. I just wish they had the benefit of a shoulder to lean on and an ear to bend to at least have some loving support and consultation before making such a huge and final decision.
AND ALSO, and here’s the money shot, boys and girls…I sympathize with the bullies too. They are hurting just as much, if not more than the people they terrorize. If they were not hurting and scared and feeling powerless, they would not act out in the ways they do. In the case of bullies towards gay kids, those folks are often battling their own confusion around their sexual orientation. I’m not here to say they all are, but it’s not uncommon.
I’m not even going to try and make this a treatise on why bullies do what they do or why suicides do what they do. I am trying to tell you that it is a complicated issue and BOTH sides need help. BOTH sides are struggling with fear, powerlessness, low self esteem and extremely erroneous ideas about life and humanity and what it means to be different. BOTH sides of this issue needs our love and support.
Everybody wants the same thing even if they are expressing it in vastly opposite ways.
Metta to ALL. and that’s some dirty ass dharma, ya’ll. It Does Get Better!
***late edit…please go read Richard’s post as well here on the same topic. Sorry, Richard, I read your post after I had already put this one up.
