2nd Verse, not quite the same as the 1st
If there is an issue that has plagued me over the years, it has been my weight. I’m quite sure I’m not in the minority here. A lot of times, gay men treat ourselves as badly as women do in regards to our body images. American women are often held to the Barie mold while gay men hold ourselves hostage to the Adonis or Ken doll model (not really cool when you realize Ken doesn’t have a penis…just sayin). Anyway, you know the story…I’m not good enough or pretty enough or buff enough or thin enough or what the hell ever enough because I can’t airbrush my ass into some kind of perfection.
It was Zen practice that broke my slavery to these types of models and stories I held myself up to. It’s incredibly freeing to throw down measuring sticks that were never mine in the first place. My relationship to my body image and my weight was no longer a war to be waged and it gave me the freedom to take appropriate action. One of the definitions given by a Zen master of the distant past was that Zen is the ability to respond appropriately. You know from past posts that my response to my weight was to start counting calories and dance Zumba three times a week. More recently I chose to become a Zumba instructor.
All this activity and work on myself has left me in a weird gray area in relation to my clothes. I’m between sizes. My regular stuff is too loose but the next size down is just a smidge too tight. So responding appropriately, I chose to start counting calories again today until I shrink another ten pounds and see if I can get into those size 32 pants.
The difference in working with myself as opposed to battling myself is tremendous. What I can get done and the energy I have to get it done is like nothing I’ve experienced before in my life. There is a quote out of the book I just reviewed, The Buddha Walks Into A Bar, that totally hits this issue on the head and I want to quote it here.
One way to tell if discipline is connected to virtue is to consider whether it bears a feeling of gentleness. If it feels like you are being hard on yourself, this is likely a form of discipline that is rooted in aggression. Such a neurotic strictness is based in confusion.
It’s so nice to not be flogging myself anymore.
and by the way, i’ve been posting a lot. what the hell?
That quote is pure gold, Shane! I am posting again, too. So glad to hear of your gentle self-care!
February 29, 2012 at 6:57 pm
I think it’s fantastic what you’ve accomplished lately. I know that for a long time I was “exercising” but not really getting any where. I guess it took my brother having a heart attack and a quad bypass. Heart disease killed my father and he was quite sedentary as I remember. So I renewed my regimen with a totally different attitude. And so far it is working. Yes, I feel a bit of ego in the thought that I’m dropping waist sizes, and darling do I ever love the comments, especially when they come from some young pretty boy. But like what is presented in that quote, it’s no longer about punishing me for being overweight. It’s about being healthy and taking care of myself because damnit, I like myself! You’re looking fabulous sweetie.
March 7, 2012 at 1:30 am