Article Swap! December 1st unveiling! — Let’s Talk about Sex

A few of us in the Buddhoblogsphere have been participating in an article swap over the past couple of weeks.  It was the brain child of Nate over at Precious Metal.  The concept was for several volunteers to pair up with another blogisattva and get to know them through their blog.  The next step was to request an article from that person.  It may have been based on a theme you saw in the blog or something entirely new and fresh.  Once they wrote their article, it would be posted on your blog.  Well…my article appears over at Marcus’ Journal.  I won’t tell you what it’s about, you have to go over there and read it.

My article partner writing for my blog is Richard at My Buddha is Pink.  Richard speaks eloquently and queerly…yes!  I got paired with another gay Buddhist blogger…what are the odds?  Well I’m stoked because we got into a last minute pairing and his post for that particular day was something I’ve been stewing in my head for some time now…the precepts…and not just any precepts, but the one about SEX.  So I immediately asked him to write about the 3rd precept and he graciously accepted.  I’m very excited to introduce his piece.  To find the article that works up to this one, you can head over and check it out…Let’s Talk about Sex…this one stands on it’s own very well tho, so read it first!  :)   Here it is ya’ll…

Sex part two

by Richard from My Buddha is Pink

In part one of this examination of sex in our Buddhist practice, I outlined some of the foundational points to keep in mind as we think about sexuality, particularly of the homo variety. One point that is critically important to remember is that there are a lot of things said under the imprimatur of Buddhism regarding homosexuality, and much of it is complete bullshit. Now I am by no means a Buddhist scholar, nor have I spent days, weeks and months secluded in a forest monastery doing sitting meditation followed by standing meditation followed by walking meditation followed by hours of Pali chanting, all with the energy found in consuming one meal per day. In fact, if you are familiar with the British sitcom “Absolutely Fabulous,” I am probably more like Patsy than Edina. For some, that may immediately disqualify me as having anything meaningful to say. So be it. I, for one, believe that if you want to get funky with the untouchables, you have to be willing to wallow in some shit, because it will be out of that cesspool that the lotus flower arises.

That’s not to say that I think the gay lifestyle is a cesspool of filth. But let’s face it; it is filled with round after round of the same Lady Gaga-esque stories of finding ourselves caught in a bad romance. We either go through the experience of searching for the next disco stick as we show everyone our teeth, or we dream about it, wishing for it, pining for it like we’ve just channeled Charlene as we go through an existence of self-denial and punishment because we’ve “never been to me.”

Because we’ve all heard the tired line from the realm of Christiandom of “Love the sinner, hate the sin,” to which I always like to reply, “Darling I love your nails, but I’m just not into that,” it is with an understandably dubious eye that we look at Buddhism. Particularly when it comes to discussing the Third Precept, as this precept is specifically focused on sexuality. For some of us, we may have been attracted in part to Buddhism because it does not come with a blanket condemnation of homosexuality; but as we investigate this topic, we realize that Buddhism gives us no free pass either.

What does the Third Precept say? Unsurprisingly, that depends, as there are a variety of ways the Third Precept is presented. But here are three of the most common versions:

To refrain from wrongful sexual conduct

To refrain from sexual misconduct

To refrain from unskillful sexual conduct

Which one is the correct one? Each has subtle but significant differences. The first implies a moralistic tone, that some sexual conduct is inherently wrong. The second has a similar, but less strident implication, indicating instead that some sexual conduct is improper. But what is misconduct and how is it defined? Is it improper because someone else disapproves of it? If that’s the case, I deem all hetero sex as improper!

The third carries no burden, in my view, of morality; rather, it relies on whether conduct is skillful or unskillful. And sweetie, by skillful or unskillful we’re not talking about how good you think you are in bed. Rather, skillfulness is tied to what results we experience through our actions (thoughts, words and deeds).

It’s probably good to review my blog post on the Four Noble Truths for gays, because to really comprehend skillfulness, we need to be clear about these four truths the Buddha shared with us. The short version, however, is this: Life sucks, life sucks because we make it suck, if we stop making it suck then life won’t suck, the Buddha found a way to live that stops life from sucking. Granted, life doesn’t suck all the time; but when it does, it’s either because we made it happen that way, or we are choosing to dwell in its suckiness. If we learn to behave more skillfully, we can reduce those times when it does suck, or for situations we did not directly create, we can face these times more effectively and with a better attitude as well as develop the skills to avoid similar situations arising in the future. In other words, we begin to take a more active role in the pre-production phase of our futures, which is more commonly known as living in the present moment.

And what qualifies in Buddhism as unskillful sexual conduct? Fortunately, there’s no reason for us to rely on what somebody else says about it – we can get it straight from the Buddha ourselves. Interestingly enough, the Buddha was surprisingly consistent as well in what he defined as unskillful sexual conduct. A good example in the Dhamma of what he identified can be found here, but the gist is this: stay away from forced sexual activity (rape is bad), sex with married people or people otherwise connected to another (you’re mixing yourself up in their unskillful conduct when you do so), sex with children (I don’t need to explain this one do I?), sex with monastics (they have vows you know), or other sexual activity that is illegal (having the law after you sucks).

Now that last one – sexual activity that is illegal – is a sticky one because there are many areas where homosexual acts remain illegal. The Buddha recognized that various cultures have differing attitudes regarding the same or similar activity, and he advised us to defer to local norms. But this suggested deference was not advised because of some immoral nature to the behavior in question, nor was he suggesting that his teachings were dependent on some form of moral relativism; rather, it again focuses on outcomes. Certainly it would not be wise, let alone skillful, for me to cruise for man flesh while in Iran.

And just because an activity may be legal in a particular area does not mean it is automatically a skillful action. For example, it is illegal in the U.S. for an adult to have sex with a 15-year-old, but that same activity is legal in Spain. Does the fact it may be legal in Spain make it skillful? And you thought that I was going to make things really simple for you on this matter of homo sex.

But the fact of the matter is the only thing that is simple is the understanding that sex is sex is sex; it is merely action. It doesn’t matter whether it’s homo or hetero sex, whether it’s group or solo sex, oral or anal, done with costumes or done in a dark alley – it’s all just sex. That’s why, regardless of which one you choose to follow, the Third Precept does not say “refrain from homo sex,” the precept does not single out a single form of sexual activity. Rather, the precept requires you, me and everyone else to have a clear understanding of why we are doing something – anything – that we understand what outcomes are likely from our actions.

This is a lesson that the Buddha taught a child, his son Rahula. To develop a high level of skillfulness in our actions, we must carefully evaluate our activity before we begin it, while engaged in it, and after we’re through to determine whether continuing with that activity brings harm to self, to others, or to both self and others.

There are many scenarios that we can come up with that present us with gray areas, hypothetical situations that may seem to break down my analysis here, my reasoning. For example, we could compare the skillfulness of two men in Iran who deeply love each other and who commit themselves to each other, both physically and emotionally: is that not what love is all about? Now contrast these two men with a man in Chicago who goes to a bathhouse where he has casual sex with 10 different men, all of it consensual. Which scenario exemplifies keeping the Third Precept?

My answer is that this is the wrong question to ask. Unless you happen to be one of those men in Iran, or you happen to be the man in Chicago about to enter a bathhouse. The only relevant question is the one regarding the immediate actions you intend on taking, and what results these initial steps will lead to. The Buddha provided us with five basic circumstances to initially judge our sexual activity, but it doesn’t stop there. If we are to act with skill, we must take a closer look at why we wish to engage in sex with someone and what are the likely outcomes for all involved. This means that on occasion, we may conclude that a desired sexual encounter that makes the initial pass based on the five criteria the Buddha gave us is one that we, nevertheless, ought to refrain from.